Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Oh bother...

So, the last couple days I've been in an Eeyore mood. I've been in my "dark place" as I used to refer to it. I guess I just feel down on myself. I recently found out some things that really showed me how deep and dark the hole that I've climbed out of really is. You know, that proverbial hole in the road of life. Yeah, mine was pretty darn deep. I spent the better part of 3 years trying to climb out of it.

Back in the day, I wasn't a good person. I was a master manipulator, partly learned, partly instinct, and partly necessity. I manipulated those around me to get what I needed or wanted with as little work as possible. I would use people for what I wanted and when resources had gone dry there, I would move on. I started my decent into my pit long before I started manipulating those around me tho. My decent started right about the time I found out that my (then)husband was cheating on me. He was a truck driver and was gone more often than home. One time he came home with one of his trainees, a young-ish girl, mid 20's, pretty thing. I knew that he trained female drivers and had not had a problem with them before. Even inviting them to come have dinner with our family at our apartment. They were usually older ladies. I loved talking with them. One of his trainees actually went to school with Garth Brooks! How awesome it was to hear her tell stories of what my favorite singer was like in high school! Well, one time he brought this young girl home and had forgotten something in his truck and asked (told) me if I would get it. Me, being about 93846759283645987 months pregnant with our 2nd child, crawled up in the cab, crawled over the seat, opened the curtain to the sleeper and was met by a bare bum. I quickly grabbed the forgotten item and exited the cab and proceeded to tell him that there was a naked girl in his bed. He didn't see what the big deal was and of course I threw a fit! *I* didn't even get to sleep naked in his truck, how is it that some other woman could, and in his bed none the less? It wasn't until later that evening, when he invited her to have dinner with us, that I realized that something wasn't right. It was the coy glances and stolen looks. The twinkle in her eye and the way that she laughed at his un-funny jokes and touched his knee. The way that he leaned into her when they talked while sitting on the couch. While I do have blonde hair, I'm not an idiot. That was the beginning of my decent into my own personal hell.

I can honestly say that when I look back at the person I was, it makes me want to cry. I did so many things that were so unlike the caring, compassionate person that I know that I am. I hurt so many people that I love(d). I did many many horrible things to people that I cared about so very much. I lost 4 years of my kids lives because of the guilt, shame, manipulation, and immaturity that plagued me. I lost the person that I was in that pit.  It was like I was so close to hell that the devil himself came and stole me. I was just like Eeyores tail. Lost.

I started pulling myself out of the hole. I got a job. I got an apartment. I got a cell phone. I was making great progress! Then I had a small set-back. I met Sam. Not that Sam was in any way bad, he just set me back a step. I started thinking things like "Oh, well, if Sam's going to take me out to dinner, I can spend more money on THIS item!" and buy a new top or jeans at Old Navy. Then we bought cars together and things started to get serious, so I really had to buckle down. I was even more determined to get my life straight and be someone.

I think it all boils down to me wanting to make my Mom proud of me. I guess I just don't feel like I've done anything that she CAN be proud of, other than get my life back on track. How terrible is it that I feel like I've done nothing that my Mom can be proud of me for? My brother has his certification in HVAC. One of my sisters is a nurse. The other one is a truck driver. What am I? A housewife. A poor one at that! It doesn't seem to matter what I say or do, we're always broke. I tell Sam that we're not going to buy anything and he buys things anyways. He tells me to stop him, and when I try he gets angry at me because he works for the money and feels like he should be able to spend it how he wants. Mom has been poor, and still had 4 kids to take care of. She got (what would become) a  fantastic job, went to night school got her GED, graduated college, all while working a full time job. Granted part of that time it was only me and my brother and then just me, but, she did it! If I were her mom I would be so proud! But me, I've not done anything like that. I've bucked the system at every turn!

The other problem is, I'm comfortable being a housewife. I have no ambitions to be at the top of some corporate ladder, to have people that are "under" me, to graduate Cum Laude from some fancy school, or even an unfancy one. I have no silly notions that I can follow in my Moms footsteps because I know I can't. My Mom is super smart. I'm lucky to be able to add without using my fingers. My daughter takes after my Mom. She's so smart! My son takes after me, but he has great ambition, which makes up for his lack of genius. I'm working with him to try and get his reading better. It's a slow process. Growing up I never wanted to be anything other than a horse trainer. Everything I did revolved around my horses. I ate, breathed, and slept horses. Even my bedroom was set up with a western theme and my ribbons and trophies were all around my room. I gave all of that up when I got married to my ex-husband, and I still have no idea where any of my old ribbons and trophies are.

I guess, just like Eeyore, I'm going to have to find my tail. I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to do that. I don't even know if I know what my tail is any more. I don't know what makes me happy any more. I don't know how to make my Mom proud of me, or if I ever have, but I know that someday it's got to happen. I need to validate my existence somehow, mostly to myself.  

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