Monday, October 25, 2010

My reasons...

Today started out like any 'ol Monday. I woke up, read my (almost 200) blogs for the morning while Monkey was in the shower and eating breakfast, walked to the bus stop, make Sams lunch, woke Buggy up, had breakfast, walked to the bus stop again, came home, tweeted a bit, went to my Monday afternoon meeting with Beachbody... you know, normal stuff!

Then I started talking to a guy from my past. Not a bad guy, just a guy. One of my very best friends cousins. It just so happens that I once dated this guy for a brief amount of time. But, this is normal in a small town like I grew up in. Everybody knows everybody. So, we started talking, and we're talking about just old times and it got me thinking about my "first love" Gregg. I'd been enamored with this guy since the moment I laid eyes on him. He went to my best friends school. But I seen him at a dance (Yeah, I went to their dances because I didn't like my own school.) and I INSTANTLY had to know who he was. Now, being the ugly duckling that I was, I hadn't blossomed into a swan yet. I was too shy to even talk to him. So, I did what every young girl does when she has a crush on a guy but is too shy to tell him. I stalked him. LOL My best friends school was much larger than my own, it was the county seat and all, so, anything "super cool and exciting" happened at her school. She was part of the drama dept. I thought that was the coolest thing since sliced bread, so I tagged along. And wouldn't you know it, HE was there!! So.... being the stalker self that I was, I send him TWELVE DOZEN red carnations for opening night of their play. Every single one of them said "From: Your Secret Admirer" (Aw! How stalkerish!)
The next night was the cast party. Now, I never went to this school, but, usually where you found my best friend, you found me, and vice versa. So, we're at this cast party, and a bunch of us decide that it's time to go outside and smoke (Don't judge... I was young and stupid. At least I lost the young part! ;-P) and Gregg was out there as well. Since basically it was me, Amy, and Gregg standing outside in the ally being the bad teenagers that we were, she decided to tell him that *I* was the person that sent him all the SA flowers. Booooy was I ever mad at her, at least for a split second. Gregg said thank you and kissed my cheek. I don't think I washed my cheek for a week!
Gregg and I always had a back and forth type of relationship. He walked, I followed. It didn't matter that he was dating someone, I loved him anyways. I would go on "class trips" with their drama dept. I went with them to see a play. I can't remember which play, but I remember going. I remember sitting with Gregg on the way home talking about when his foreign exchange student girlfriend left how we were going to start dating. It didn't matter that he was in love with her, I loved him anyways.
After Gregg graduated high school, I still had a year left. He stuck around town for a while, we would hang out, laugh, have a good time, and be generally terrible teenagers. Then one day he just disappeared. I moved on with my life, but always thought about My Superman. (That was my nickname for him.)
We found each other again in 2004 and quickly decided that we were meant to be together. We started planning a future together for when he got out of the Navy. He would call me every night, and most mornings and we would talk. In the evenings we would talk for hours on end, sometimes until the early morning sun was peeking thru the trees on my coast, which left him with just a few hours sleep before he needed to be back on base at Camp Pendleton. He was slowly losing grip of reality. PTSD was stripping away the man that I loved so very much. In early 2005 he decided that it wasn't fair to me and the kiddos to make us go thru everything that was happening to him with the PTSD and broke things off. It (PTSD) didn't matter tho, because I loved him anyways.
A couple of years ago, we found each other yet again, but this time on MySpace. He was too hurt to talk to me for a very long time. He knew he had broken my heart yet again, and he was in a relationship. He didn't want to bring up all the old memories and feelings from our past. It hurt too much to think about. We finally talked about everything. I told him that while I would ALWAYS love him, I had grown to love what we had and not yearn for it like I used to. We talked more and more, and then again, he was gone without notice, until we find each other again on Facebook.
This time it's different tho. This time we don't talk as much. We don't have that same connection that we did. He's more fragile but yet tougher. It's hard to explain. We exchange a few words here and there. Some heys, how are yas, glad to see yas, but nothing super life changing.

Today was a hard day for me after Bryce and I talked. After I decided to go to Greggs Facebook page to drop a little hey how are ya. I notice that he'd posted new pictures. One of which said "Now I must say good-bye" and the first thought to my mind was "Oh no! Not again!" I started reading more of his posts. My Gregg, my Superman, the man that had my heart for nearly 10 years had passed away. From what I was told, he died of a heart attack. Gregg would have been 32 years old 04Nov. I've cried almost non stop since I found out. I cried thru making dinner, thru trying to actually eat dinner (which didn't go so well), thru calling some of our old friends to make sure that they knew, thru welcoming my husband home... and now here I sit at almost 11:30pm. I can't sleep. When I close my eyes, I see his face. I hear his voice "Lets lose some el-bees today!" What am I supposed to do? I don't know why this is hitting me so hard. I don't know why I'm just not saying "Wow! He was only 31. That sucks!" and letting it not effect me like it has. Why can't I just lay my head down and go to sleep? Why does it feel like a tiny part of my heart died today when I found out? Why can't I just find solace in the fact that he will never have terrible nightmares of war again? That he will never feel claustrophobic in large crowds any more? That he's finally at peace and doesn't hurt the way he used to? Maybe because he never has another chance to do any of those things any more?

1 comment:

Kristen @ said...

your blog is adorable!! Thanks for entering the Handmade Tuesday giveaway last week @ Ladybug Blessings. You won the "Love Print" From May's homemade!! I am going to contact her to let her know to get in touch with you!!