Thinking back

So, any of you that really know me, know that Sam is pending medical discharge from the military. We're hoping that they will medically retire him, not just discharge him. It's been a very long road to get to this point, and there still isn't a real end in site. He will be 2 years past his EAS date on 1 June. That's 2 years of fighting to get the medical assistance that he needs and should rightfully have because of an injury that the Marine Corps caused, well, at least part of it. The other part we figured out after all of this started. He was also diagnosed with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) which was caused by a car accident right after he started a long weekend. He wasn't drinking, he had his seat belt on, they were pulling out from a light, and a guy ran a red light and t-boned them on my husbands side doing about 60mph. He was knocked unconscious for a while and was life flighted to the hospital. The insurance company was very surprised that Sam even lived. We figured out that all of the migraines and memory problems were from that, not "failing health." He also has PTSD from being in the worlds two most dangerous cities (at the time). I know other people from the same unit as the one he went out with last. I know some of the things that went on, I don't even have to ask. He does talk about it every now and again, and I just listen. I don't interject, I don't try to tell him that I know how hard it is, because I don't. I've never put my life on the line for the freedoms of our country, couldn't even fathom doing it for another nation a million miles away that I had only heard of in passing before 9/11!

I'm trying to be more understanding, have more patience. This is one of the hardest things for me. I am not a very patient person. I abhor waiting in line. I have the attention span of a gnat, and most of the times I forget why I'm even standing in line, which pisses me off to no end! I know that sometimes I can be very short with Sam and the kids, and that is one of the biggest things that I am trying to change. So far, I have made small baby steps towards my goal of not exploding when something isn't completed in exactly the way I want it to be done, but, any step forward is better than a step back or no step at all! Looking back, 5 years ago I couldn't really say that. Five years ago, I was nowhere near where I am now. I was still sort of small, quite young, even for being 25! I feel more like an adult now, more like I should at the age of 30. (Well, okay, 30 in June, but close enough!) I've come to accept more of my shortcomings, and realize that some of them I can overcome, some of them it's going to be a very long time before I can even scratch the surface.

On a happier note, Bug learned to ride her bike without training wheels this weekend! She did really well! She yelled at me because she didn't think I was supporting her enough when she was doing just great even without me holding her up. Sometimes I feel like I've robbed myself of my children, but really it was for their own good. Bug learning to ride a 2 wheeler is just one more step to her becoming independent and not needing me any more. I can't say that any child really ever grows to the point that they don't need their Mom. I know I still need my Mom! I wouldn't know what to do without my many frequent phone calls to her! "Mom, how do you do this?" "Mom, how do I make this?" "Mom, can you tell me where I can find this?" My Mom is a cornucopia of knowledge that if I could master half of, I will be doing great! I think that is enough for tonight dear readers. Sam is ready to go to bed, and I can't say that I blame him. The past two nights I have been up and down frequently during the night, and up before my alarm with the dogs. Any of you who know me, me without sleep is almost as bad as being stuck in a confined space with a starving bear.