Monday, October 25, 2010

My reasons...

Today started out like any 'ol Monday. I woke up, read my (almost 200) blogs for the morning while Monkey was in the shower and eating breakfast, walked to the bus stop, make Sams lunch, woke Buggy up, had breakfast, walked to the bus stop again, came home, tweeted a bit, went to my Monday afternoon meeting with Beachbody... you know, normal stuff!

Then I started talking to a guy from my past. Not a bad guy, just a guy. One of my very best friends cousins. It just so happens that I once dated this guy for a brief amount of time. But, this is normal in a small town like I grew up in. Everybody knows everybody. So, we started talking, and we're talking about just old times and it got me thinking about my "first love" Gregg. I'd been enamored with this guy since the moment I laid eyes on him. He went to my best friends school. But I seen him at a dance (Yeah, I went to their dances because I didn't like my own school.) and I INSTANTLY had to know who he was. Now, being the ugly duckling that I was, I hadn't blossomed into a swan yet. I was too shy to even talk to him. So, I did what every young girl does when she has a crush on a guy but is too shy to tell him. I stalked him. LOL My best friends school was much larger than my own, it was the county seat and all, so, anything "super cool and exciting" happened at her school. She was part of the drama dept. I thought that was the coolest thing since sliced bread, so I tagged along. And wouldn't you know it, HE was there!! So.... being the stalker self that I was, I send him TWELVE DOZEN red carnations for opening night of their play. Every single one of them said "From: Your Secret Admirer" (Aw! How stalkerish!)
The next night was the cast party. Now, I never went to this school, but, usually where you found my best friend, you found me, and vice versa. So, we're at this cast party, and a bunch of us decide that it's time to go outside and smoke (Don't judge... I was young and stupid. At least I lost the young part! ;-P) and Gregg was out there as well. Since basically it was me, Amy, and Gregg standing outside in the ally being the bad teenagers that we were, she decided to tell him that *I* was the person that sent him all the SA flowers. Booooy was I ever mad at her, at least for a split second. Gregg said thank you and kissed my cheek. I don't think I washed my cheek for a week!
Gregg and I always had a back and forth type of relationship. He walked, I followed. It didn't matter that he was dating someone, I loved him anyways. I would go on "class trips" with their drama dept. I went with them to see a play. I can't remember which play, but I remember going. I remember sitting with Gregg on the way home talking about when his foreign exchange student girlfriend left how we were going to start dating. It didn't matter that he was in love with her, I loved him anyways.
After Gregg graduated high school, I still had a year left. He stuck around town for a while, we would hang out, laugh, have a good time, and be generally terrible teenagers. Then one day he just disappeared. I moved on with my life, but always thought about My Superman. (That was my nickname for him.)
We found each other again in 2004 and quickly decided that we were meant to be together. We started planning a future together for when he got out of the Navy. He would call me every night, and most mornings and we would talk. In the evenings we would talk for hours on end, sometimes until the early morning sun was peeking thru the trees on my coast, which left him with just a few hours sleep before he needed to be back on base at Camp Pendleton. He was slowly losing grip of reality. PTSD was stripping away the man that I loved so very much. In early 2005 he decided that it wasn't fair to me and the kiddos to make us go thru everything that was happening to him with the PTSD and broke things off. It (PTSD) didn't matter tho, because I loved him anyways.
A couple of years ago, we found each other yet again, but this time on MySpace. He was too hurt to talk to me for a very long time. He knew he had broken my heart yet again, and he was in a relationship. He didn't want to bring up all the old memories and feelings from our past. It hurt too much to think about. We finally talked about everything. I told him that while I would ALWAYS love him, I had grown to love what we had and not yearn for it like I used to. We talked more and more, and then again, he was gone without notice, until we find each other again on Facebook.
This time it's different tho. This time we don't talk as much. We don't have that same connection that we did. He's more fragile but yet tougher. It's hard to explain. We exchange a few words here and there. Some heys, how are yas, glad to see yas, but nothing super life changing.

Today was a hard day for me after Bryce and I talked. After I decided to go to Greggs Facebook page to drop a little hey how are ya. I notice that he'd posted new pictures. One of which said "Now I must say good-bye" and the first thought to my mind was "Oh no! Not again!" I started reading more of his posts. My Gregg, my Superman, the man that had my heart for nearly 10 years had passed away. From what I was told, he died of a heart attack. Gregg would have been 32 years old 04Nov. I've cried almost non stop since I found out. I cried thru making dinner, thru trying to actually eat dinner (which didn't go so well), thru calling some of our old friends to make sure that they knew, thru welcoming my husband home... and now here I sit at almost 11:30pm. I can't sleep. When I close my eyes, I see his face. I hear his voice "Lets lose some el-bees today!" What am I supposed to do? I don't know why this is hitting me so hard. I don't know why I'm just not saying "Wow! He was only 31. That sucks!" and letting it not effect me like it has. Why can't I just lay my head down and go to sleep? Why does it feel like a tiny part of my heart died today when I found out? Why can't I just find solace in the fact that he will never have terrible nightmares of war again? That he will never feel claustrophobic in large crowds any more? That he's finally at peace and doesn't hurt the way he used to? Maybe because he never has another chance to do any of those things any more?

Monday Morning Goodies!!

Ahhh!! I LOVE Monday morning!!
Kids go back to school, the house gets quiet, I get in a FANTASTIC workout, and (!!) I get to give all my lovely readers the scoop on Giveaways and goodies!

So, my favorite giveaway site, Dandy Giveaways, has a few that I wanted to make mention of for you. There is a giveaway for a 10th Anniversary BRATZ doll here. I'm entering because my lil Bug loooooooooves BRATZ dolls. Evident but the 2938623 dolls and 938465827346598340598 accessories (including a bus!) in her closet.

Next is this WONDERFUL Mom & Daughter purses. They're adorable!! Bug likes to try and match colors with me when we dress to go anywhere. It's a good thing she doesn't try to dress like me tho, she would be stuck with t-shirt and jeans forever! Anyways, the post for the purses is here. Adorable!

The last giveaway for this post is a SodaStream. These look SO cool! I would LOOOOOVE to have one!! It's basically like having your very own Soda Parlor!! I'd seen a review on another blog (she reviewed it for CSN, another store I've fallen in love with!) and she really liked it! I like the endless possibilities for soda! The link for that giveaway is here.

And I have a goody for those of you that actually DO read my blog! Old Navy (My Heaven!!) got it's one millionth like on facebook, so, they decided that they would give all the Old Navy followers a special treat on Sunday. I knew my giveaway day was on Monday, so, I SAVED the coupon to share with all of you! Just click and print! It's valid 10/26-10/28. One per person and can be used online as well! :-D


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Pumpkin Pickin!

So, Saturday we went to a local church for a "pumpkin pickin." It was more like a "pumpkin pick out" than anything tho. They had all the different sizes laid out for you to pick from. Which was really nice! You basically knew how much it was going to cost before you even got up there to pay for it. Some places don't do that. You could pick out your "perfect pumpkin" only to realize that it's $25 when  you go to pay for it!! :-O I don't know about you, but, I'm not exactly willing to pay that much for something that we're going to carve and basically destroy within a couple of days of having it.

Saturday afternoon my friend Keona sent me a text message asking if we wanted to go pick out pumpkins up the road from where we live. She lives about 10 minutes up the road from us, which isn't that far. We all met last year at Brownies. Our daughters became fast friends and so did we. When I was married to my ex husband, for the first year of our lives we lived in roughly the same area in Colorado. Bug and Len have become best buddies and Keona and I love to share recipes and have cookouts together. We have shared a few birthdays and holidays together. I'm going to be very sad when Keona and her family move. :-(

I got some really good pictures of Bug and Len, and all 3 of the kids, of our two kiddos, and even got a couple of Sam and I! When I started to download all the pictures in the camera, I even found some older ones of the dogs! I've been pretty slack about posting pictures here lately because I just haven't found a photo manipulation program that I like, that won't cost me a kidney, and part of my lung. I finally found PhotoScape, which was free to download, and it has a lot of the same things as Photoshop, but, not as many. I know that I could probably download GIMP, but, I really don't feel like learning all of that! So, here is my first attempt at manipulating my photos!





Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Oh bother...



So, the last couple days I've been in an Eeyore mood. I've been in my "dark place" as I used to refer to it. I guess I just feel down on myself. I recently found out some things that really showed me how deep and dark the hole that I've climbed out of really is. You know, that proverbial hole in the road of life. Yeah, mine was pretty darn deep. I spent the better part of 3 years trying to climb out of it.

Back in the day, I wasn't a good person. I was a master manipulator, partly learned, partly instinct, and partly necessity. I manipulated those around me to get what I needed or wanted with as little work as possible. I would use people for what I wanted and when resources had gone dry there, I would move on. I started my decent into my pit long before I started manipulating those around me tho. My decent started right about the time I found out that my (then)husband was cheating on me. He was a truck driver and was gone more often than home. One time he came home with one of his trainees, a young-ish girl, mid 20's, pretty thing. I knew that he trained female drivers and had not had a problem with them before. Even inviting them to come have dinner with our family at our apartment. They were usually older ladies. I loved talking with them. One of his trainees actually went to school with Garth Brooks! How awesome it was to hear her tell stories of what my favorite singer was like in high school! Well, one time he brought this young girl home and had forgotten something in his truck and asked (told) me if I would get it. Me, being about 93846759283645987 months pregnant with our 2nd child, crawled up in the cab, crawled over the seat, opened the curtain to the sleeper and was met by a bare bum. I quickly grabbed the forgotten item and exited the cab and proceeded to tell him that there was a naked girl in his bed. He didn't see what the big deal was and of course I threw a fit! *I* didn't even get to sleep naked in his truck, how is it that some other woman could, and in his bed none the less? It wasn't until later that evening, when he invited her to have dinner with us, that I realized that something wasn't right. It was the coy glances and stolen looks. The twinkle in her eye and the way that she laughed at his un-funny jokes and touched his knee. The way that he leaned into her when they talked while sitting on the couch. While I do have blonde hair, I'm not an idiot. That was the beginning of my decent into my own personal hell.

I can honestly say that when I look back at the person I was, it makes me want to cry. I did so many things that were so unlike the caring, compassionate person that I know that I am. I hurt so many people that I love(d). I did many many horrible things to people that I cared about so very much. I lost 4 years of my kids lives because of the guilt, shame, manipulation, and immaturity that plagued me. I lost the person that I was in that pit.  It was like I was so close to hell that the devil himself came and stole me. I was just like Eeyores tail. Lost.

I started pulling myself out of the hole. I got a job. I got an apartment. I got a cell phone. I was making great progress! Then I had a small set-back. I met Sam. Not that Sam was in any way bad, he just set me back a step. I started thinking things like "Oh, well, if Sam's going to take me out to dinner, I can spend more money on THIS item!" and buy a new top or jeans at Old Navy. Then we bought cars together and things started to get serious, so I really had to buckle down. I was even more determined to get my life straight and be someone.

I think it all boils down to me wanting to make my Mom proud of me. I guess I just don't feel like I've done anything that she CAN be proud of, other than get my life back on track. How terrible is it that I feel like I've done nothing that my Mom can be proud of me for? My brother has his certification in HVAC. One of my sisters is a nurse. The other one is a truck driver. What am I? A housewife. A poor one at that! It doesn't seem to matter what I say or do, we're always broke. I tell Sam that we're not going to buy anything and he buys things anyways. He tells me to stop him, and when I try he gets angry at me because he works for the money and feels like he should be able to spend it how he wants. Mom has been poor, and still had 4 kids to take care of. She got (what would become) a  fantastic job, went to night school got her GED, graduated college, all while working a full time job. Granted part of that time it was only me and my brother and then just me, but, she did it! If I were her mom I would be so proud! But me, I've not done anything like that. I've bucked the system at every turn!

The other problem is, I'm comfortable being a housewife. I have no ambitions to be at the top of some corporate ladder, to have people that are "under" me, to graduate Cum Laude from some fancy school, or even an unfancy one. I have no silly notions that I can follow in my Moms footsteps because I know I can't. My Mom is super smart. I'm lucky to be able to add without using my fingers. My daughter takes after my Mom. She's so smart! My son takes after me, but he has great ambition, which makes up for his lack of genius. I'm working with him to try and get his reading better. It's a slow process. Growing up I never wanted to be anything other than a horse trainer. Everything I did revolved around my horses. I ate, breathed, and slept horses. Even my bedroom was set up with a western theme and my ribbons and trophies were all around my room. I gave all of that up when I got married to my ex-husband, and I still have no idea where any of my old ribbons and trophies are.

I guess, just like Eeyore, I'm going to have to find my tail. I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to do that. I don't even know if I know what my tail is any more. I don't know what makes me happy any more. I don't know how to make my Mom proud of me, or if I ever have, but I know that someday it's got to happen. I need to validate my existence somehow, mostly to myself.  

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What would you do with $110 Million??

So, I was reading the New York Daily News gossip section this morning (don't judge!!) and I stumbled across this article about how Elin Nordegren is "cutting costs" and being "more frugal" with her money.


I'm not sure about you, but $110 Million is more money than I'm likely to see in an entire lifetime! She got all of that money just because her ex-husband is a lying, cheating, scumbag! Now don't get me wrong, she deserves every penny of that money, and probably more! If my ex husband would have been worth $600 Million, I probably would have more than a modular home on a small 1/4 acre lot! I would be debt free and probably be driving a brand new Honda Oddesy. Don't get me wrong, I love my new car, but, I've always been and will always be a Honda girl! I would also probably have taken my entire family to Cabo, or Disneyland, or bought us all matching shirts or something!


I guess the part that bothers me is that Elins idea of "cutting expenses" is cutting back the hours of the kids nannies and flying commercial instead of a private jet. Really? How horrible life must be! Oh GOD! I have to fly first class instead of all by myself!! SHUT UP! You have a house in Sweden, a house in the Orlando area, you're drop dead gorgeous, and you're a multimillionaire. Why don't you use some of that money and do something for someone else? I don't know, maybe spend a little time with you kids! You're a single mom, yeah, but it's not like you need to rush out and get a full time job! If you think life is tough now Elin, why don't you try being a REAL single mom? You know, the kind that have to take care of their kids all by themselves and have a real job that doesn't involve getting paid to just show up, look pretty, and possibly do a small bit of speaking.


Don't get me wrong, I love Elin. I think that she is a beautiful woman. She doesn't stir up dust like Gisele Bündchen. She seems to have her head and heart in the right place. It's just that *one* thing that bothers me. Apart from her ex-husband being a skeezbag, I don't feel sorry for her one tiny bit. Well, okay, that's a lie as well. I feel bad that her skeezbag ex-husband made her look like a giant idiot to the entire world, and that her (if she really thought it was) happy marriage dissolved from under her feet in a matter of moments. Been there, done that, have the divorce papers to prove it. But I DON'T feel bad that she has to cut down on her staffs hours to try and save money. Sorry Elin. No sympathy from me. 


So, I want to know, if you were handed $110 Million, what would you do?


I would:

  • Pay off all of our debt, including house, cars, and credit cards.
  • Purchase 50 acre lot across the road and build a completely green house.
  • Build affordable low income housing for those who TRULY need it (single parents, families working minimum wage jobs, etc) that is free of crime and drugs.
  • Build a dog park in Jacksonville
  • Purchase everyone in my family's current house. (Or a decent sized down payment on a new one).
  • Set up college funds for all my nieces and nephews as well as my kiddos.
  • Donate our home to a needy family or charity organization.
  • Donate to our favorite charities and organizations.
  • Throw one hell of a party flying in all of our family, friends, and relatives (both sides)!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Free canvas to round out the day!

So, I've noticed these around the blogosphere for a couple of days.

I haven't had a chance to tape part in this giveaway, I have seen many peoples free canvas prints. I wish that I had a decent picture to actually turn into a canvas wrapped picture! Maybe we can solve that as well!

Here is a link to Canvas People and their free offer!

Monday Morning Giveaways!

Good Monday Morning everyone!!

The first item up for grabs is the Black Diamond watch ring. It's pretty neat!!
The second item is absolutely gorgeous Earrings! I WANT these!!
Then we have Barn Owl Primitives which is super cute!!!