Greggs passing hit me very hard, but I'm trying to take it in stride. I didn't cry at all yesterday, but I did still feel a bit down. One day at a time!
Today, Monkey has a therapy appointment at 8. Normally his school bus picks him up at around 6:40, but today we woke up at 6:30. He FREAKED out and jumped out of bed and said "MOM! WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP!" *giggle* Wouldn't you know it, I had the opportunity to sleep in this morning and I woke up at 5:30 anyways, even tho I set the alarm clock for 6 so I could take an early shower. Oh well.
Bug has "dress up" day today at school. They were either supposed to wear something to show what they want to be when they grow up, or dress up nicely. Bug did both, because she wants to be a Princess/model when she grows up! She even took the little tiara from when we had her hair done for the father daughter dance and stuck it in her hair. She is SO funny!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
My reasons...
Today started out like any 'ol Monday. I woke up, read my (almost 200) blogs for the morning while Monkey was in the shower and eating breakfast, walked to the bus stop, make Sams lunch, woke Buggy up, had breakfast, walked to the bus stop again, came home, tweeted a bit, went to my Monday afternoon meeting with Beachbody... you know, normal stuff!
Then I started talking to a guy from my past. Not a bad guy, just a guy. One of my very best friends cousins. It just so happens that I once dated this guy for a brief amount of time. But, this is normal in a small town like I grew up in. Everybody knows everybody. So, we started talking, and we're talking about just old times and it got me thinking about my "first love" Gregg. I'd been enamored with this guy since the moment I laid eyes on him. He went to my best friends school. But I seen him at a dance (Yeah, I went to their dances because I didn't like my own school.) and I INSTANTLY had to know who he was. Now, being the ugly duckling that I was, I hadn't blossomed into a swan yet. I was too shy to even talk to him. So, I did what every young girl does when she has a crush on a guy but is too shy to tell him. I stalked him. LOL My best friends school was much larger than my own, it was the county seat and all, so, anything "super cool and exciting" happened at her school. She was part of the drama dept. I thought that was the coolest thing since sliced bread, so I tagged along. And wouldn't you know it, HE was there!! So.... being the stalker self that I was, I send him TWELVE DOZEN red carnations for opening night of their play. Every single one of them said "From: Your Secret Admirer" (Aw! How stalkerish!)
The next night was the cast party. Now, I never went to this school, but, usually where you found my best friend, you found me, and vice versa. So, we're at this cast party, and a bunch of us decide that it's time to go outside and smoke (Don't judge... I was young and stupid. At least I lost the young part! ;-P) and Gregg was out there as well. Since basically it was me, Amy, and Gregg standing outside in the ally being the bad teenagers that we were, she decided to tell him that *I* was the person that sent him all the SA flowers. Booooy was I ever mad at her, at least for a split second. Gregg said thank you and kissed my cheek. I don't think I washed my cheek for a week!
Gregg and I always had a back and forth type of relationship. He walked, I followed. It didn't matter that he was dating someone, I loved him anyways. I would go on "class trips" with their drama dept. I went with them to see a play. I can't remember which play, but I remember going. I remember sitting with Gregg on the way home talking about when his foreign exchange student girlfriend left how we were going to start dating. It didn't matter that he was in love with her, I loved him anyways.
After Gregg graduated high school, I still had a year left. He stuck around town for a while, we would hang out, laugh, have a good time, and be generally terrible teenagers. Then one day he just disappeared. I moved on with my life, but always thought about My Superman. (That was my nickname for him.)
We found each other again in 2004 and quickly decided that we were meant to be together. We started planning a future together for when he got out of the Navy. He would call me every night, and most mornings and we would talk. In the evenings we would talk for hours on end, sometimes until the early morning sun was peeking thru the trees on my coast, which left him with just a few hours sleep before he needed to be back on base at Camp Pendleton. He was slowly losing grip of reality. PTSD was stripping away the man that I loved so very much. In early 2005 he decided that it wasn't fair to me and the kiddos to make us go thru everything that was happening to him with the PTSD and broke things off. It (PTSD) didn't matter tho, because I loved him anyways.
A couple of years ago, we found each other yet again, but this time on MySpace. He was too hurt to talk to me for a very long time. He knew he had broken my heart yet again, and he was in a relationship. He didn't want to bring up all the old memories and feelings from our past. It hurt too much to think about. We finally talked about everything. I told him that while I would ALWAYS love him, I had grown to love what we had and not yearn for it like I used to. We talked more and more, and then again, he was gone without notice, until we find each other again on Facebook.
This time it's different tho. This time we don't talk as much. We don't have that same connection that we did. He's more fragile but yet tougher. It's hard to explain. We exchange a few words here and there. Some heys, how are yas, glad to see yas, but nothing super life changing.
Today was a hard day for me after Bryce and I talked. After I decided to go to Greggs Facebook page to drop a little hey how are ya. I notice that he'd posted new pictures. One of which said "Now I must say good-bye" and the first thought to my mind was "Oh no! Not again!" I started reading more of his posts. My Gregg, my Superman, the man that had my heart for nearly 10 years had passed away. From what I was told, he died of a heart attack. Gregg would have been 32 years old 04Nov. I've cried almost non stop since I found out. I cried thru making dinner, thru trying to actually eat dinner (which didn't go so well), thru calling some of our old friends to make sure that they knew, thru welcoming my husband home... and now here I sit at almost 11:30pm. I can't sleep. When I close my eyes, I see his face. I hear his voice "Lets lose some el-bees today!" What am I supposed to do? I don't know why this is hitting me so hard. I don't know why I'm just not saying "Wow! He was only 31. That sucks!" and letting it not effect me like it has. Why can't I just lay my head down and go to sleep? Why does it feel like a tiny part of my heart died today when I found out? Why can't I just find solace in the fact that he will never have terrible nightmares of war again? That he will never feel claustrophobic in large crowds any more? That he's finally at peace and doesn't hurt the way he used to? Maybe because he never has another chance to do any of those things any more?
Then I started talking to a guy from my past. Not a bad guy, just a guy. One of my very best friends cousins. It just so happens that I once dated this guy for a brief amount of time. But, this is normal in a small town like I grew up in. Everybody knows everybody. So, we started talking, and we're talking about just old times and it got me thinking about my "first love" Gregg. I'd been enamored with this guy since the moment I laid eyes on him. He went to my best friends school. But I seen him at a dance (Yeah, I went to their dances because I didn't like my own school.) and I INSTANTLY had to know who he was. Now, being the ugly duckling that I was, I hadn't blossomed into a swan yet. I was too shy to even talk to him. So, I did what every young girl does when she has a crush on a guy but is too shy to tell him. I stalked him. LOL My best friends school was much larger than my own, it was the county seat and all, so, anything "super cool and exciting" happened at her school. She was part of the drama dept. I thought that was the coolest thing since sliced bread, so I tagged along. And wouldn't you know it, HE was there!! So.... being the stalker self that I was, I send him TWELVE DOZEN red carnations for opening night of their play. Every single one of them said "From: Your Secret Admirer" (Aw! How stalkerish!)
The next night was the cast party. Now, I never went to this school, but, usually where you found my best friend, you found me, and vice versa. So, we're at this cast party, and a bunch of us decide that it's time to go outside and smoke (Don't judge... I was young and stupid. At least I lost the young part! ;-P) and Gregg was out there as well. Since basically it was me, Amy, and Gregg standing outside in the ally being the bad teenagers that we were, she decided to tell him that *I* was the person that sent him all the SA flowers. Booooy was I ever mad at her, at least for a split second. Gregg said thank you and kissed my cheek. I don't think I washed my cheek for a week!
Gregg and I always had a back and forth type of relationship. He walked, I followed. It didn't matter that he was dating someone, I loved him anyways. I would go on "class trips" with their drama dept. I went with them to see a play. I can't remember which play, but I remember going. I remember sitting with Gregg on the way home talking about when his foreign exchange student girlfriend left how we were going to start dating. It didn't matter that he was in love with her, I loved him anyways.
After Gregg graduated high school, I still had a year left. He stuck around town for a while, we would hang out, laugh, have a good time, and be generally terrible teenagers. Then one day he just disappeared. I moved on with my life, but always thought about My Superman. (That was my nickname for him.)
We found each other again in 2004 and quickly decided that we were meant to be together. We started planning a future together for when he got out of the Navy. He would call me every night, and most mornings and we would talk. In the evenings we would talk for hours on end, sometimes until the early morning sun was peeking thru the trees on my coast, which left him with just a few hours sleep before he needed to be back on base at Camp Pendleton. He was slowly losing grip of reality. PTSD was stripping away the man that I loved so very much. In early 2005 he decided that it wasn't fair to me and the kiddos to make us go thru everything that was happening to him with the PTSD and broke things off. It (PTSD) didn't matter tho, because I loved him anyways.
A couple of years ago, we found each other yet again, but this time on MySpace. He was too hurt to talk to me for a very long time. He knew he had broken my heart yet again, and he was in a relationship. He didn't want to bring up all the old memories and feelings from our past. It hurt too much to think about. We finally talked about everything. I told him that while I would ALWAYS love him, I had grown to love what we had and not yearn for it like I used to. We talked more and more, and then again, he was gone without notice, until we find each other again on Facebook.
This time it's different tho. This time we don't talk as much. We don't have that same connection that we did. He's more fragile but yet tougher. It's hard to explain. We exchange a few words here and there. Some heys, how are yas, glad to see yas, but nothing super life changing.
Today was a hard day for me after Bryce and I talked. After I decided to go to Greggs Facebook page to drop a little hey how are ya. I notice that he'd posted new pictures. One of which said "Now I must say good-bye" and the first thought to my mind was "Oh no! Not again!" I started reading more of his posts. My Gregg, my Superman, the man that had my heart for nearly 10 years had passed away. From what I was told, he died of a heart attack. Gregg would have been 32 years old 04Nov. I've cried almost non stop since I found out. I cried thru making dinner, thru trying to actually eat dinner (which didn't go so well), thru calling some of our old friends to make sure that they knew, thru welcoming my husband home... and now here I sit at almost 11:30pm. I can't sleep. When I close my eyes, I see his face. I hear his voice "Lets lose some el-bees today!" What am I supposed to do? I don't know why this is hitting me so hard. I don't know why I'm just not saying "Wow! He was only 31. That sucks!" and letting it not effect me like it has. Why can't I just lay my head down and go to sleep? Why does it feel like a tiny part of my heart died today when I found out? Why can't I just find solace in the fact that he will never have terrible nightmares of war again? That he will never feel claustrophobic in large crowds any more? That he's finally at peace and doesn't hurt the way he used to? Maybe because he never has another chance to do any of those things any more?
Monday Morning Goodies!!
Ahhh!! I LOVE Monday morning!!
Kids go back to school, the house gets quiet, I get in a FANTASTIC workout, and (!!) I get to give all my lovely readers the scoop on Giveaways and goodies!
So, my favorite giveaway site, Dandy Giveaways, has a few that I wanted to make mention of for you. There is a giveaway for a 10th Anniversary BRATZ doll here. I'm entering because my lil Bug loooooooooves BRATZ dolls. Evident but the 2938623 dolls and 938465827346598340598 accessories (including a bus!) in her closet.
Next is this WONDERFUL Mom & Daughter purses. They're adorable!! Bug likes to try and match colors with me when we dress to go anywhere. It's a good thing she doesn't try to dress like me tho, she would be stuck with t-shirt and jeans forever! Anyways, the post for the purses is here. Adorable!
The last giveaway for this post is a SodaStream. These look SO cool! I would LOOOOOVE to have one!! It's basically like having your very own Soda Parlor!! I'd seen a review on another blog (she reviewed it for CSN, another store I've fallen in love with!) and she really liked it! I like the endless possibilities for soda! The link for that giveaway is here.
And I have a goody for those of you that actually DO read my blog! Old Navy (My Heaven!!) got it's one millionth like on facebook, so, they decided that they would give all the Old Navy followers a special treat on Sunday. I knew my giveaway day was on Monday, so, I SAVED the coupon to share with all of you! Just click and print! It's valid 10/26-10/28. One per person and can be used online as well! :-D
Kids go back to school, the house gets quiet, I get in a FANTASTIC workout, and (!!) I get to give all my lovely readers the scoop on Giveaways and goodies!
So, my favorite giveaway site, Dandy Giveaways, has a few that I wanted to make mention of for you. There is a giveaway for a 10th Anniversary BRATZ doll here. I'm entering because my lil Bug loooooooooves BRATZ dolls. Evident but the 2938623 dolls and 938465827346598340598 accessories (including a bus!) in her closet.
Next is this WONDERFUL Mom & Daughter purses. They're adorable!! Bug likes to try and match colors with me when we dress to go anywhere. It's a good thing she doesn't try to dress like me tho, she would be stuck with t-shirt and jeans forever! Anyways, the post for the purses is here. Adorable!
The last giveaway for this post is a SodaStream. These look SO cool! I would LOOOOOVE to have one!! It's basically like having your very own Soda Parlor!! I'd seen a review on another blog (she reviewed it for CSN, another store I've fallen in love with!) and she really liked it! I like the endless possibilities for soda! The link for that giveaway is here.
And I have a goody for those of you that actually DO read my blog! Old Navy (My Heaven!!) got it's one millionth like on facebook, so, they decided that they would give all the Old Navy followers a special treat on Sunday. I knew my giveaway day was on Monday, so, I SAVED the coupon to share with all of you! Just click and print! It's valid 10/26-10/28. One per person and can be used online as well! :-D
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Pumpkin Pickin!
So, Saturday we went to a local church for a "pumpkin pickin." It was more like a "pumpkin pick out" than anything tho. They had all the different sizes laid out for you to pick from. Which was really nice! You basically knew how much it was going to cost before you even got up there to pay for it. Some places don't do that. You could pick out your "perfect pumpkin" only to realize that it's $25 when you go to pay for it!! :-O I don't know about you, but, I'm not exactly willing to pay that much for something that we're going to carve and basically destroy within a couple of days of having it.
Saturday afternoon my friend Keona sent me a text message asking if we wanted to go pick out pumpkins up the road from where we live. She lives about 10 minutes up the road from us, which isn't that far. We all met last year at Brownies. Our daughters became fast friends and so did we. When I was married to my ex husband, for the first year of our lives we lived in roughly the same area in Colorado. Bug and Len have become best buddies and Keona and I love to share recipes and have cookouts together. We have shared a few birthdays and holidays together. I'm going to be very sad when Keona and her family move. :-(
I got some really good pictures of Bug and Len, and all 3 of the kids, of our two kiddos, and even got a couple of Sam and I! When I started to download all the pictures in the camera, I even found some older ones of the dogs! I've been pretty slack about posting pictures here lately because I just haven't found a photo manipulation program that I like, that won't cost me a kidney, and part of my lung. I finally found PhotoScape, which was free to download, and it has a lot of the same things as Photoshop, but, not as many. I know that I could probably download GIMP, but, I really don't feel like learning all of that! So, here is my first attempt at manipulating my photos!
Saturday afternoon my friend Keona sent me a text message asking if we wanted to go pick out pumpkins up the road from where we live. She lives about 10 minutes up the road from us, which isn't that far. We all met last year at Brownies. Our daughters became fast friends and so did we. When I was married to my ex husband, for the first year of our lives we lived in roughly the same area in Colorado. Bug and Len have become best buddies and Keona and I love to share recipes and have cookouts together. We have shared a few birthdays and holidays together. I'm going to be very sad when Keona and her family move. :-(
I got some really good pictures of Bug and Len, and all 3 of the kids, of our two kiddos, and even got a couple of Sam and I! When I started to download all the pictures in the camera, I even found some older ones of the dogs! I've been pretty slack about posting pictures here lately because I just haven't found a photo manipulation program that I like, that won't cost me a kidney, and part of my lung. I finally found PhotoScape, which was free to download, and it has a lot of the same things as Photoshop, but, not as many. I know that I could probably download GIMP, but, I really don't feel like learning all of that! So, here is my first attempt at manipulating my photos!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Oh bother...
So, the last couple days I've been in an Eeyore mood. I've been in my "dark place" as I used to refer to it. I guess I just feel down on myself. I recently found out some things that really showed me how deep and dark the hole that I've climbed out of really is. You know, that proverbial hole in the road of life. Yeah, mine was pretty darn deep. I spent the better part of 3 years trying to climb out of it.
Back in the day, I wasn't a good person. I was a master manipulator, partly learned, partly instinct, and partly necessity. I manipulated those around me to get what I needed or wanted with as little work as possible. I would use people for what I wanted and when resources had gone dry there, I would move on. I started my decent into my pit long before I started manipulating those around me tho. My decent started right about the time I found out that my (then)husband was cheating on me. He was a truck driver and was gone more often than home. One time he came home with one of his trainees, a young-ish girl, mid 20's, pretty thing. I knew that he trained female drivers and had not had a problem with them before. Even inviting them to come have dinner with our family at our apartment. They were usually older ladies. I loved talking with them. One of his trainees actually went to school with Garth Brooks! How awesome it was to hear her tell stories of what my favorite singer was like in high school! Well, one time he brought this young girl home and had forgotten something in his truck and asked (told) me if I would get it. Me, being about 93846759283645987 months pregnant with our 2nd child, crawled up in the cab, crawled over the seat, opened the curtain to the sleeper and was met by a bare bum. I quickly grabbed the forgotten item and exited the cab and proceeded to tell him that there was a naked girl in his bed. He didn't see what the big deal was and of course I threw a fit! *I* didn't even get to sleep naked in his truck, how is it that some other woman could, and in his bed none the less? It wasn't until later that evening, when he invited her to have dinner with us, that I realized that something wasn't right. It was the coy glances and stolen looks. The twinkle in her eye and the way that she laughed at his un-funny jokes and touched his knee. The way that he leaned into her when they talked while sitting on the couch. While I do have blonde hair, I'm not an idiot. That was the beginning of my decent into my own personal hell.
I can honestly say that when I look back at the person I was, it makes me want to cry. I did so many things that were so unlike the caring, compassionate person that I know that I am. I hurt so many people that I love(d). I did many many horrible things to people that I cared about so very much. I lost 4 years of my kids lives because of the guilt, shame, manipulation, and immaturity that plagued me. I lost the person that I was in that pit. It was like I was so close to hell that the devil himself came and stole me. I was just like Eeyores tail. Lost.
I started pulling myself out of the hole. I got a job. I got an apartment. I got a cell phone. I was making great progress! Then I had a small set-back. I met Sam. Not that Sam was in any way bad, he just set me back a step. I started thinking things like "Oh, well, if Sam's going to take me out to dinner, I can spend more money on THIS item!" and buy a new top or jeans at Old Navy. Then we bought cars together and things started to get serious, so I really had to buckle down. I was even more determined to get my life straight and be someone.
I think it all boils down to me wanting to make my Mom proud of me. I guess I just don't feel like I've done anything that she CAN be proud of, other than get my life back on track. How terrible is it that I feel like I've done nothing that my Mom can be proud of me for? My brother has his certification in HVAC. One of my sisters is a nurse. The other one is a truck driver. What am I? A housewife. A poor one at that! It doesn't seem to matter what I say or do, we're always broke. I tell Sam that we're not going to buy anything and he buys things anyways. He tells me to stop him, and when I try he gets angry at me because he works for the money and feels like he should be able to spend it how he wants. Mom has been poor, and still had 4 kids to take care of. She got (what would become) a fantastic job, went to night school got her GED, graduated college, all while working a full time job. Granted part of that time it was only me and my brother and then just me, but, she did it! If I were her mom I would be so proud! But me, I've not done anything like that. I've bucked the system at every turn!
The other problem is, I'm comfortable being a housewife. I have no ambitions to be at the top of some corporate ladder, to have people that are "under" me, to graduate Cum Laude from some fancy school, or even an unfancy one. I have no silly notions that I can follow in my Moms footsteps because I know I can't. My Mom is super smart. I'm lucky to be able to add without using my fingers. My daughter takes after my Mom. She's so smart! My son takes after me, but he has great ambition, which makes up for his lack of genius. I'm working with him to try and get his reading better. It's a slow process. Growing up I never wanted to be anything other than a horse trainer. Everything I did revolved around my horses. I ate, breathed, and slept horses. Even my bedroom was set up with a western theme and my ribbons and trophies were all around my room. I gave all of that up when I got married to my ex-husband, and I still have no idea where any of my old ribbons and trophies are.
I guess, just like Eeyore, I'm going to have to find my tail. I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to do that. I don't even know if I know what my tail is any more. I don't know what makes me happy any more. I don't know how to make my Mom proud of me, or if I ever have, but I know that someday it's got to happen. I need to validate my existence somehow, mostly to myself.
Back in the day, I wasn't a good person. I was a master manipulator, partly learned, partly instinct, and partly necessity. I manipulated those around me to get what I needed or wanted with as little work as possible. I would use people for what I wanted and when resources had gone dry there, I would move on. I started my decent into my pit long before I started manipulating those around me tho. My decent started right about the time I found out that my (then)husband was cheating on me. He was a truck driver and was gone more often than home. One time he came home with one of his trainees, a young-ish girl, mid 20's, pretty thing. I knew that he trained female drivers and had not had a problem with them before. Even inviting them to come have dinner with our family at our apartment. They were usually older ladies. I loved talking with them. One of his trainees actually went to school with Garth Brooks! How awesome it was to hear her tell stories of what my favorite singer was like in high school! Well, one time he brought this young girl home and had forgotten something in his truck and asked (told) me if I would get it. Me, being about 93846759283645987 months pregnant with our 2nd child, crawled up in the cab, crawled over the seat, opened the curtain to the sleeper and was met by a bare bum. I quickly grabbed the forgotten item and exited the cab and proceeded to tell him that there was a naked girl in his bed. He didn't see what the big deal was and of course I threw a fit! *I* didn't even get to sleep naked in his truck, how is it that some other woman could, and in his bed none the less? It wasn't until later that evening, when he invited her to have dinner with us, that I realized that something wasn't right. It was the coy glances and stolen looks. The twinkle in her eye and the way that she laughed at his un-funny jokes and touched his knee. The way that he leaned into her when they talked while sitting on the couch. While I do have blonde hair, I'm not an idiot. That was the beginning of my decent into my own personal hell.
I can honestly say that when I look back at the person I was, it makes me want to cry. I did so many things that were so unlike the caring, compassionate person that I know that I am. I hurt so many people that I love(d). I did many many horrible things to people that I cared about so very much. I lost 4 years of my kids lives because of the guilt, shame, manipulation, and immaturity that plagued me. I lost the person that I was in that pit. It was like I was so close to hell that the devil himself came and stole me. I was just like Eeyores tail. Lost.
I started pulling myself out of the hole. I got a job. I got an apartment. I got a cell phone. I was making great progress! Then I had a small set-back. I met Sam. Not that Sam was in any way bad, he just set me back a step. I started thinking things like "Oh, well, if Sam's going to take me out to dinner, I can spend more money on THIS item!" and buy a new top or jeans at Old Navy. Then we bought cars together and things started to get serious, so I really had to buckle down. I was even more determined to get my life straight and be someone.
I think it all boils down to me wanting to make my Mom proud of me. I guess I just don't feel like I've done anything that she CAN be proud of, other than get my life back on track. How terrible is it that I feel like I've done nothing that my Mom can be proud of me for? My brother has his certification in HVAC. One of my sisters is a nurse. The other one is a truck driver. What am I? A housewife. A poor one at that! It doesn't seem to matter what I say or do, we're always broke. I tell Sam that we're not going to buy anything and he buys things anyways. He tells me to stop him, and when I try he gets angry at me because he works for the money and feels like he should be able to spend it how he wants. Mom has been poor, and still had 4 kids to take care of. She got (what would become) a fantastic job, went to night school got her GED, graduated college, all while working a full time job. Granted part of that time it was only me and my brother and then just me, but, she did it! If I were her mom I would be so proud! But me, I've not done anything like that. I've bucked the system at every turn!
The other problem is, I'm comfortable being a housewife. I have no ambitions to be at the top of some corporate ladder, to have people that are "under" me, to graduate Cum Laude from some fancy school, or even an unfancy one. I have no silly notions that I can follow in my Moms footsteps because I know I can't. My Mom is super smart. I'm lucky to be able to add without using my fingers. My daughter takes after my Mom. She's so smart! My son takes after me, but he has great ambition, which makes up for his lack of genius. I'm working with him to try and get his reading better. It's a slow process. Growing up I never wanted to be anything other than a horse trainer. Everything I did revolved around my horses. I ate, breathed, and slept horses. Even my bedroom was set up with a western theme and my ribbons and trophies were all around my room. I gave all of that up when I got married to my ex-husband, and I still have no idea where any of my old ribbons and trophies are.
I guess, just like Eeyore, I'm going to have to find my tail. I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to do that. I don't even know if I know what my tail is any more. I don't know what makes me happy any more. I don't know how to make my Mom proud of me, or if I ever have, but I know that someday it's got to happen. I need to validate my existence somehow, mostly to myself.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
What would you do with $110 Million??
So, I was reading the New York Daily News gossip section this morning (don't judge!!) and I stumbled across this article about how Elin Nordegren is "cutting costs" and being "more frugal" with her money.
I'm not sure about you, but $110 Million is more money than I'm likely to see in an entire lifetime! She got all of that money just because her ex-husband is a lying, cheating, scumbag! Now don't get me wrong, she deserves every penny of that money, and probably more! If my ex husband would have been worth $600 Million, I probably would have more than a modular home on a small 1/4 acre lot! I would be debt free and probably be driving a brand new Honda Oddesy. Don't get me wrong, I love my new car, but, I've always been and will always be a Honda girl! I would also probably have taken my entire family to Cabo, or Disneyland, or bought us all matching shirts or something!
I guess the part that bothers me is that Elins idea of "cutting expenses" is cutting back the hours of the kids nannies and flying commercial instead of a private jet. Really? How horrible life must be! Oh GOD! I have to fly first class instead of all by myself!! SHUT UP! You have a house in Sweden, a house in the Orlando area, you're drop dead gorgeous, and you're a multimillionaire. Why don't you use some of that money and do something for someone else? I don't know, maybe spend a little time with you kids! You're a single mom, yeah, but it's not like you need to rush out and get a full time job! If you think life is tough now Elin, why don't you try being a REAL single mom? You know, the kind that have to take care of their kids all by themselves and have a real job that doesn't involve getting paid to just show up, look pretty, and possibly do a small bit of speaking.
Don't get me wrong, I love Elin. I think that she is a beautiful woman. She doesn't stir up dust like Gisele Bündchen. She seems to have her head and heart in the right place. It's just that *one* thing that bothers me. Apart from her ex-husband being a skeezbag, I don't feel sorry for her one tiny bit. Well, okay, that's a lie as well. I feel bad that her skeezbag ex-husband made her look like a giant idiot to the entire world, and that her (if she really thought it was) happy marriage dissolved from under her feet in a matter of moments. Been there, done that, have the divorce papers to prove it. But I DON'T feel bad that she has to cut down on her staffs hours to try and save money. Sorry Elin. No sympathy from me.
So, I want to know, if you were handed $110 Million, what would you do?
I would:
I'm not sure about you, but $110 Million is more money than I'm likely to see in an entire lifetime! She got all of that money just because her ex-husband is a lying, cheating, scumbag! Now don't get me wrong, she deserves every penny of that money, and probably more! If my ex husband would have been worth $600 Million, I probably would have more than a modular home on a small 1/4 acre lot! I would be debt free and probably be driving a brand new Honda Oddesy. Don't get me wrong, I love my new car, but, I've always been and will always be a Honda girl! I would also probably have taken my entire family to Cabo, or Disneyland, or bought us all matching shirts or something!
I guess the part that bothers me is that Elins idea of "cutting expenses" is cutting back the hours of the kids nannies and flying commercial instead of a private jet. Really? How horrible life must be! Oh GOD! I have to fly first class instead of all by myself!! SHUT UP! You have a house in Sweden, a house in the Orlando area, you're drop dead gorgeous, and you're a multimillionaire. Why don't you use some of that money and do something for someone else? I don't know, maybe spend a little time with you kids! You're a single mom, yeah, but it's not like you need to rush out and get a full time job! If you think life is tough now Elin, why don't you try being a REAL single mom? You know, the kind that have to take care of their kids all by themselves and have a real job that doesn't involve getting paid to just show up, look pretty, and possibly do a small bit of speaking.
Don't get me wrong, I love Elin. I think that she is a beautiful woman. She doesn't stir up dust like Gisele Bündchen. She seems to have her head and heart in the right place. It's just that *one* thing that bothers me. Apart from her ex-husband being a skeezbag, I don't feel sorry for her one tiny bit. Well, okay, that's a lie as well. I feel bad that her skeezbag ex-husband made her look like a giant idiot to the entire world, and that her (if she really thought it was) happy marriage dissolved from under her feet in a matter of moments. Been there, done that, have the divorce papers to prove it. But I DON'T feel bad that she has to cut down on her staffs hours to try and save money. Sorry Elin. No sympathy from me.
So, I want to know, if you were handed $110 Million, what would you do?
I would:
- Pay off all of our debt, including house, cars, and credit cards.
- Purchase 50 acre lot across the road and build a completely green house.
- Build affordable low income housing for those who TRULY need it (single parents, families working minimum wage jobs, etc) that is free of crime and drugs.
- Build a dog park in Jacksonville
- Purchase everyone in my family's current house. (Or a decent sized down payment on a new one).
- Set up college funds for all my nieces and nephews as well as my kiddos.
- Donate our home to a needy family or charity organization.
- Donate to our favorite charities and organizations.
- Throw one hell of a party flying in all of our family, friends, and relatives (both sides)!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Free canvas to round out the day!
So, I've noticed these around the blogosphere for a couple of days.
I haven't had a chance to tape part in this giveaway, I have seen many peoples free canvas prints. I wish that I had a decent picture to actually turn into a canvas wrapped picture! Maybe we can solve that as well!
Here is a link to Canvas People and their free offer!
I haven't had a chance to tape part in this giveaway, I have seen many peoples free canvas prints. I wish that I had a decent picture to actually turn into a canvas wrapped picture! Maybe we can solve that as well!
Here is a link to Canvas People and their free offer!
Monday Morning Giveaways!
Good Monday Morning everyone!!
The first item up for grabs is the Black Diamond watch ring. It's pretty neat!!
The second item is absolutely gorgeous Earrings! I WANT these!!
Then we have Barn Owl Primitives which is super cute!!!
The first item up for grabs is the Black Diamond watch ring. It's pretty neat!!
The second item is absolutely gorgeous Earrings! I WANT these!!
Then we have Barn Owl Primitives which is super cute!!!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
How I lost the Curvy in my pants size. (Fat picture included!)
For those of you that didn't know, I'm fat. Yes, I know I have a beautiful profile picture with a pretty, slender girl standing by the ocean. That really is me. But that was me about 4 years ago. That was the "skinny me." Since that picture was taken, I've packed on about 50 pounds. (YIKES!!) So, now you know my dark secret, and the reason that I don't post many picture of myself on here. (Other than I'm usually the one taking all the pictures.) I never really had a problem with my weight before. I was slender pretty naturally, and ate whatever I wanted.
When I moved to Jacksonville 4 years ago, I was 130 pounds. I was a bit on the thin side really. I think I was just a bit TOO thin. I was in pretty good shape, but, I just didn't eat enough, so I was thin. I started eating more, exercising less. I started gaining weight. I then obtained a job in a call center. There, I ate more. I ate because I was bored. I ate because it was there. I ate because we reached a goal. I ate because we didn't. I ate because it was someones anniversary. I ate because someone got divorced. There was always food around, and I was normally stuffing it in my face. I ballooned up to just under 200 pounds. I didn't LOOK that big, but I felt like a giant blimp. I felt like the largest cow in the pen. It was terrible.
If you look back thru my blog, you can see that I've tried before and failed to lose weight. It's been a battle for me. About 3 weeks ago, I really started to crack down on the exercise and eating better. Guess what? I've started to lose weight!! I've been sick and injured during that time as well, but I have managed to drop to 179 pounds. I'm starting to notice that my pants are fitting looser, that my tummy isn't bulging out as much. I'm starting to notice a difference!
I was in my closet the other day, and I was putting up shorts and whatnot for the winter. I looked at my shorts and said "This will be the last summer that I wear you. Next summer, I'm going to be back down to my size 4! Goodbye tight size 12!" (Yes, I was talking to my pants....) I started to pull out my pants and such for the winter. I found my FAVORITE pair of navy blue jeans and gave a heavy sigh. I haven't been able to wear those in a year because they were just too tight. I could get them on, but buttoning them up had become a problem, and when I did get the buttoned up, I had a severe case of muffin top. It was terrible! I looked at my Aeropostale size 12 "curvy" jeans, then I looked at my Old Navy size 12 regulars. I held them up to each other. The ON jeans were 2 fingers width smaller than the Aero jeans. I thought to myself "I wonder if my big fat bum can fit in these this year." So, I tried them on. Guess what??
Yeah, I know. I still have a ways to go. But that's me! That's my big 'ol fat belly and my smaller sized jeans. That picture makes me want to run and hide and never show my face to the light of day again. But, I'm being real. I'm not perfect.
I'm on my way to a smaller me. I'm exercising more. I'm currently doing Turbo Jam. It's SO much fun! It doesn't feel like I'm working out for more than a couple minutes even tho by the time I'm done I'm POURING with sweat! There is even a timer at the bottom to tell you how much time you have left in the workout and in the particular activity that you're doing. All in all it's a fantastic workout!
I was trying to figure out how to embed the video to show you all about it, but, I can't figure it out, so, I'm just going to give you a link to view it. Which is here. I'm still trying to figure out how to get all of my software and whatnot back onto this computer since we upgraded to Windows 7. I'm hoping that we can get everything to work. *please please please!!*
Anyways! Until next time!
Love ya! Mean it!
When I moved to Jacksonville 4 years ago, I was 130 pounds. I was a bit on the thin side really. I think I was just a bit TOO thin. I was in pretty good shape, but, I just didn't eat enough, so I was thin. I started eating more, exercising less. I started gaining weight. I then obtained a job in a call center. There, I ate more. I ate because I was bored. I ate because it was there. I ate because we reached a goal. I ate because we didn't. I ate because it was someones anniversary. I ate because someone got divorced. There was always food around, and I was normally stuffing it in my face. I ballooned up to just under 200 pounds. I didn't LOOK that big, but I felt like a giant blimp. I felt like the largest cow in the pen. It was terrible.
If you look back thru my blog, you can see that I've tried before and failed to lose weight. It's been a battle for me. About 3 weeks ago, I really started to crack down on the exercise and eating better. Guess what? I've started to lose weight!! I've been sick and injured during that time as well, but I have managed to drop to 179 pounds. I'm starting to notice that my pants are fitting looser, that my tummy isn't bulging out as much. I'm starting to notice a difference!
I was in my closet the other day, and I was putting up shorts and whatnot for the winter. I looked at my shorts and said "This will be the last summer that I wear you. Next summer, I'm going to be back down to my size 4! Goodbye tight size 12!" (Yes, I was talking to my pants....) I started to pull out my pants and such for the winter. I found my FAVORITE pair of navy blue jeans and gave a heavy sigh. I haven't been able to wear those in a year because they were just too tight. I could get them on, but buttoning them up had become a problem, and when I did get the buttoned up, I had a severe case of muffin top. It was terrible! I looked at my Aeropostale size 12 "curvy" jeans, then I looked at my Old Navy size 12 regulars. I held them up to each other. The ON jeans were 2 fingers width smaller than the Aero jeans. I thought to myself "I wonder if my big fat bum can fit in these this year." So, I tried them on. Guess what??
THEY FIT!!!
Yeah, I know. I still have a ways to go. But that's me! That's my big 'ol fat belly and my smaller sized jeans. That picture makes me want to run and hide and never show my face to the light of day again. But, I'm being real. I'm not perfect.
I'm on my way to a smaller me. I'm exercising more. I'm currently doing Turbo Jam. It's SO much fun! It doesn't feel like I'm working out for more than a couple minutes even tho by the time I'm done I'm POURING with sweat! There is even a timer at the bottom to tell you how much time you have left in the workout and in the particular activity that you're doing. All in all it's a fantastic workout!
I was trying to figure out how to embed the video to show you all about it, but, I can't figure it out, so, I'm just going to give you a link to view it. Which is here. I'm still trying to figure out how to get all of my software and whatnot back onto this computer since we upgraded to Windows 7. I'm hoping that we can get everything to work. *please please please!!*
Anyways! Until next time!
Love ya! Mean it!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Life has a new look!
So!
What do you think?!
I think I drove Courtney crazy with the amount of times I went "I really don't know... what do you think??"
She was AMAZING to work with!
Thank you Courtney SO much!!
What do you think?!
I think I drove Courtney crazy with the amount of times I went "I really don't know... what do you think??"
She was AMAZING to work with!
Thank you Courtney SO much!!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
New design is coming!
I've been hard at work with Courtney over at Not So Homemade to roll out a new blog design.
It's not quite done, but, it's coming along fantastically! I'm IN LOVE with it! There are a few little tweeks here and there, but, it's looking great! This will be the first design change for Life Along The Way since shortly after it's birth almost 2 years ago! ACK!
Anyways! Go show Courtney some love over at her blog. She's got a fantastic Calzone recipe that I'm dying to try! Maybe this weekend... hmmmm....
It's not quite done, but, it's coming along fantastically! I'm IN LOVE with it! There are a few little tweeks here and there, but, it's looking great! This will be the first design change for Life Along The Way since shortly after it's birth almost 2 years ago! ACK!
Anyways! Go show Courtney some love over at her blog. She's got a fantastic Calzone recipe that I'm dying to try! Maybe this weekend... hmmmm....
Monday, October 11, 2010
Great Ways To Start Monday!
So, every Monday, I'm going to start telling you guys about Giveaways! So, it may come in more than one post, but, I will tell you about all the fantastic giveaways that I find on the good 'ol net!
The first two that I found are pretty awesome!
Dandy Giveaways has done it again!! They are offering two new giveaways that I'm interested in! There is the Stencil Giveaway. (I could really use a stencil for my kitchen. I want to use a stencil for a "backslash" for my counters and sink island!) And the eUndies Giveaway. (C'mon!! Who doesn't want cute undies?!?!)
More when I find them!! :-)
The first two that I found are pretty awesome!
Dandy Giveaways has done it again!! They are offering two new giveaways that I'm interested in! There is the Stencil Giveaway. (I could really use a stencil for my kitchen. I want to use a stencil for a "backslash" for my counters and sink island!) And the eUndies Giveaway. (C'mon!! Who doesn't want cute undies?!?!)
More when I find them!! :-)
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Yeah yea yeah.... I know! Sheesh!!
So, as some of you have noticed, I haven't posted in a while. I can explain! It's a legit reason I swear!!
Last week it rained every day (no joke) for almost an entire week! It started on Monday and didn't end until about Saturday. It was terrible!! No joke!
I did get a bit of a night out with the girls tho. (I had written a nice blog entry about all of this, but, it disappeared!! :-( )My favorite Nicole graciously invited me and a bunch of other girls to join her at Chili's for a girls night. Of course, I ended up going to APPLEBEES and then couldn't understand why I couldn't get checked into Chili's on foursquare. (DUH!!!) I got to meet a bunch of fantastic ladies and I got to have some adult conversation with someone other than my husband. It was fantastic I say!! I ended up having Salmon with broccoli and brown rice. It was super yummy, but I couldn't eat it all, so, I brought it home. Of course Bug decided that what I brought home was for her, and she stole all of the broccoli. It's okay. I don't mind sharing broccoli with my little picky eaters! :-)
Monkey got $40 from the Tooth Fairy for his very last tooth, and it has been BURNING a hole is his pocket for some time now. He did spend a little bit of money at his school book fair. I got very excited when he told me that he wanted to take some money to buy something. I thought just maybe he would buy a book! Alas, it was not meant to be. He bought a calculator that looks and smells like chocolate and a pencil sharpener. *sigh* He decided last week, when we went to pick up a bag of dog food that he just simply couldn't live without an African Dwarfed Frog. Now, don't get me wrong. They are incredibly adorable and docile. He picks out the smallest frog in the tank, and carry's his new prize to the register. He plops down $5, and even got some change back! He was very thankful that I bought his new pet, Hopper, some yummy food as well as some weekend feeders for the snails. (Which are getting REALLY big by the way!!)
Monday (the 4th) Monkey woke up and said "My throat hurts." That was all it took. He never complains about things like that. The last time he said something like that his blood pressure was thru the roof and he didn't have a bowl movement for 3 days! (It was terrible and he missed a WEEK of school!!) So, we went to the Doctors and wouldn't you know it, he had the flu!! So, one pack of Tamilfu later, and a note to go back to school the next day, and we were off and running! Of course, then on Friday, he decided to tell me that he's had diarrhea for 3 days! SHEW! This kid is killin me! LOL
Well, we decided that we were going to trade in our Pleco that we bought back in July for something that wouldn't poop as much. (Seriously... Spike pooped.... A LOT!!!!) So, we put him in a 1 gallon ice cream bucket and took him to our local pet/fish store and traded him in on a Corydora Catfish (Cory Cat) whom Monkey named Cory. I think I might have inadvertently caused Cory some harm today. The filter was running really slow and I decided that I would clean it and put it all back together, so I took about a half a gallon of water out and cleaned everything up, and then I put some rather warm water back in the tank. I didn't think it was THAT warm, but poor Cory came barreling out of his little hidey-hole and didn't look like he was doing so well. He floated for a little bit, and didn't move for about a minute, and then he went down to the bottom of the tank where he stayed for quite some time. I thought he was going to die!! I thought I had done Cory in! Nope! He's back in his hidey-hole after a bit of normal swimming. I just hope that in the morning I don't find half eaten bits of Cory in the tank.... :-/
I also have been a bit under the weather. On Wednesday I went to wake Sam up for work and I walked in the bedroom and felt like someone had skewered my from back to front. It was terrible! I couldn't breath in very much. I thought maybe I had pulled a muscle, took some Ibuprofen and laid down for a while after the kids went to school. Of course my wonderful 68 year old Philippine neighbor told me she could come over and rub some liniment on my back and I would feel better in no time! I love this lady to death, but I don't know that I want her rubbing some chicken poop on my back that she brought from the the Philippines!! (Okay, I don't know that it's chicken poop... but I have no idea WHAT it is, tho it's probably better for me than the meds the Dr prescribed!) So, I go to the Doctors (I joke with them that I deserve my own parking spot there.) and meet this fantastic guy! He, of course, was my very capable Dr. Perry! I think I now want to follow this man to whatever office that he is practicing in. He was that great! FANTASTIC guy! I wanted to pick him up, put him in my pocket, and drive home. I love him! Anyways! He said he thinks I have Pleurisy. What that is, is that at some point in time I had some sort of infection or something in my lung, and that my Pleura are rubbing together and they hurt. (I would make a wonderful Doctor wouldn't I?!) I have a follow up appointment with Dr Hotty (Or at least that's what the receptionist and the office manager and I have named him. His real name is Dr. Jones. Dr. Hotty is a better name tho.).
On a happier note!! I have a WONDERFUL person making over my blog!! It will be the first time that this blog has seen a new layout, background, anything, since it's birth! How terrible is that?? I'm such a bad blog-mom I swear! I can't wait to reveal it to you guys!! As most of you know, I'm not a very girly girl, but, she's doing a fantastic job of everything so far! I sent her about 2397234983 pictures for her to use. I just know that what she comes up with, you all will love, but even if you don't, I will and really that's all that matters!! ;-)
Anyways! It's 9PM and Sam and the kiddos are watching Wackos' Wish on Netflix and I can hear Pinky and The Brain planning to take over the world, so I should probably go spend some time with them before my
Last week it rained every day (no joke) for almost an entire week! It started on Monday and didn't end until about Saturday. It was terrible!! No joke!
I did get a bit of a night out with the girls tho. (I had written a nice blog entry about all of this, but, it disappeared!! :-( )My favorite Nicole graciously invited me and a bunch of other girls to join her at Chili's for a girls night. Of course, I ended up going to APPLEBEES and then couldn't understand why I couldn't get checked into Chili's on foursquare. (DUH!!!) I got to meet a bunch of fantastic ladies and I got to have some adult conversation with someone other than my husband. It was fantastic I say!! I ended up having Salmon with broccoli and brown rice. It was super yummy, but I couldn't eat it all, so, I brought it home. Of course Bug decided that what I brought home was for her, and she stole all of the broccoli. It's okay. I don't mind sharing broccoli with my little picky eaters! :-)
Monkey got $40 from the Tooth Fairy for his very last tooth, and it has been BURNING a hole is his pocket for some time now. He did spend a little bit of money at his school book fair. I got very excited when he told me that he wanted to take some money to buy something. I thought just maybe he would buy a book! Alas, it was not meant to be. He bought a calculator that looks and smells like chocolate and a pencil sharpener. *sigh* He decided last week, when we went to pick up a bag of dog food that he just simply couldn't live without an African Dwarfed Frog. Now, don't get me wrong. They are incredibly adorable and docile. He picks out the smallest frog in the tank, and carry's his new prize to the register. He plops down $5, and even got some change back! He was very thankful that I bought his new pet, Hopper, some yummy food as well as some weekend feeders for the snails. (Which are getting REALLY big by the way!!)
Monday (the 4th) Monkey woke up and said "My throat hurts." That was all it took. He never complains about things like that. The last time he said something like that his blood pressure was thru the roof and he didn't have a bowl movement for 3 days! (It was terrible and he missed a WEEK of school!!) So, we went to the Doctors and wouldn't you know it, he had the flu!! So, one pack of Tamilfu later, and a note to go back to school the next day, and we were off and running! Of course, then on Friday, he decided to tell me that he's had diarrhea for 3 days! SHEW! This kid is killin me! LOL
Well, we decided that we were going to trade in our Pleco that we bought back in July for something that wouldn't poop as much. (Seriously... Spike pooped.... A LOT!!!!) So, we put him in a 1 gallon ice cream bucket and took him to our local pet/fish store and traded him in on a Corydora Catfish (Cory Cat) whom Monkey named Cory. I think I might have inadvertently caused Cory some harm today. The filter was running really slow and I decided that I would clean it and put it all back together, so I took about a half a gallon of water out and cleaned everything up, and then I put some rather warm water back in the tank. I didn't think it was THAT warm, but poor Cory came barreling out of his little hidey-hole and didn't look like he was doing so well. He floated for a little bit, and didn't move for about a minute, and then he went down to the bottom of the tank where he stayed for quite some time. I thought he was going to die!! I thought I had done Cory in! Nope! He's back in his hidey-hole after a bit of normal swimming. I just hope that in the morning I don't find half eaten bits of Cory in the tank.... :-/
I also have been a bit under the weather. On Wednesday I went to wake Sam up for work and I walked in the bedroom and felt like someone had skewered my from back to front. It was terrible! I couldn't breath in very much. I thought maybe I had pulled a muscle, took some Ibuprofen and laid down for a while after the kids went to school. Of course my wonderful 68 year old Philippine neighbor told me she could come over and rub some liniment on my back and I would feel better in no time! I love this lady to death, but I don't know that I want her rubbing some chicken poop on my back that she brought from the the Philippines!! (Okay, I don't know that it's chicken poop... but I have no idea WHAT it is, tho it's probably better for me than the meds the Dr prescribed!) So, I go to the Doctors (I joke with them that I deserve my own parking spot there.) and meet this fantastic guy! He, of course, was my very capable Dr. Perry! I think I now want to follow this man to whatever office that he is practicing in. He was that great! FANTASTIC guy! I wanted to pick him up, put him in my pocket, and drive home. I love him! Anyways! He said he thinks I have Pleurisy. What that is, is that at some point in time I had some sort of infection or something in my lung, and that my Pleura are rubbing together and they hurt. (I would make a wonderful Doctor wouldn't I?!) I have a follow up appointment with Dr Hotty (Or at least that's what the receptionist and the office manager and I have named him. His real name is Dr. Jones. Dr. Hotty is a better name tho.).
On a happier note!! I have a WONDERFUL person making over my blog!! It will be the first time that this blog has seen a new layout, background, anything, since it's birth! How terrible is that?? I'm such a bad blog-mom I swear! I can't wait to reveal it to you guys!! As most of you know, I'm not a very girly girl, but, she's doing a fantastic job of everything so far! I sent her about 2397234983 pictures for her to use. I just know that what she comes up with, you all will love, but even if you don't, I will and really that's all that matters!! ;-)
Anyways! It's 9PM and Sam and the kiddos are watching Wackos' Wish on Netflix and I can hear Pinky and The Brain planning to take over the world, so I should probably go spend some time with them before my
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